Reframing Achievement

It's easier said than done

Hi, friend!

This post is a bit different (i.e. longer) than usual. I’m figuring out the shape that Spring Cleaning will take and playing around with different formats. To my new subscribers, HI! I’m so happy you’re here. 💌

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with personality frameworks. My first love was astrology. If you met me from 2017-2019, I probably had you download Co-Star or text your mom for your birth time. In high school, I discovered an extensive birth chart analysis written by my mom’s psychic 15 years prior. I was stunned by the accurate descriptions of how I move through life and navigate my emotional landscape. Reading my birth chart was like holding a mirror up to my soul - even the unflattering parts that I try to hide (hello to my ultra-pragmatic Capricorn moon!).

My interest in different frameworks blossomed from there, and I tried to learn as much as I could about various ways to organize and understand people. I turned my high school senior project into me-search, learning as much as I could about birth order’s impact on personality development. I am the oldest child… and it shows! My parents half-jokingly nicknamed me “The Boss" and I’ve spent many years trying to organize and control our family life; to no one’s surprise, it hasn’t worked but (maybe) more on that in another post. 🙂

In early 2021, I was in my first year of graduate school and discovered CliftonStrengths from Gallup. I was thrilled to take a sparkly, new-to-me assessment that would illuminate facets of my personality and lead me further down the path of self-discovery… until I saw my results. I hated all of them. Instead of Strategic or Analytical, I got Learner; rather than Self-Assurance, I got Woo (this stands for Winning Others Over). What the f**k!! The strengths are listed in rank order and I felt the most upset by my most #1 trait, Achiever.  

If you’re curious 🙂

Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for attainment. You feel as if each day starts at zero. By the day's end, you must achieve something tangible to feel good about yourself. And by "every day," you mean every single day - workdays, weekends, and vacations. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more.

Triggered!

My desire to achieve originated in school. When I was younger, I had an almost photographic memory and could recall anything after reading it twice. This helped me memorize formulas, dates, and vocabulary with ease… but it’s not as helpful outside the classroom (except for the now-rare nights out where I know most lyrics to 2003-2012 rap songs). Being great at school was the cornerstone of my identity; the positive feedback and recognition was addicting. Ultimately, the cycle that was established looked like this (I know many of you can relate): achievement in school → praise from adults → positive self-worth based mostly on classroom achievements → wanting to achieve more and be the best.

My experience in college - while wonderful in so many ways - layered on more expectations to what I thought I needed to achieve. Not only did I feel the pressure to keep up with my mega-talented and driven peers, but this later morphed into a collective fixation on landing prestigious jobs in competitive industries (finance, consulting, big tech).¹ There was a clear, well traveled path that many of my peers chose to pursue. And I don’t blame them!² I have always been incredibly envious of people that see a path for themselves and choose to follow it. While I didn’t take the most traditional route, the culture/norms of this ultra-high achieving environment impacted my choices for years. 

Both in school and the workplace, I’ve struggled to identify what I’m naturally skilled in versus what actually brings me pleasure and meaning. I think there is a spectrum: we each need a unique combination of interest/curiosity + natural talent in order to sustain our drive in the long-run. It feels great to have a proclivity for a certain subject, job, or skill and receive affirmation for good performance. How do we identify if we enjoy something primarily because we’re good at it or because others tell us it’s what we should be doing?

For much of my adult life, I’ve pursued things (classes, jobs, careers) that I was naturally skilled at, received recognition for, or that others told me I should do based upon their projections about who I am or what would bring me success. This is why I stayed in my sales job for so long and potentially why I pursued certain academic paths. Looking back, I wish I had paid more attention to the subjects that I could talk about for hours and the ideas that lit up my mind and heart. I’m super curious about this (and drop a comment if you have thoughts, I really want to hear!!). When it comes to work, what is your balance (or your ideal balance) between natural skills and genuine curiosity?  

Post grad, I fell into my first job in tech sales, and quickly became skilled at selling software. I was promoted within a year; by age 24 I made more money than both my parents ever had. So many trusted people in my life commended me for my achievements: my boss, older colleagues, and family friends. While I knew sales wasn’t my long-term career, I stayed in my cushy job for almost five years while trying to figure out my next steps. It funded my life in NYC while I studied for the LSAT and later, the GRE.

I went back to school and for the first time in my professional life, I was surrounded by people of a similar background who were excited about changing the world in the same ways that I was. I graduated and got a job working at the intersection of renewable energy and finance. Doing good for the world? Check. Securing a “good” job title in a “good” industry?³ Check, check. Make enough money to pay off my student loans? Check^3. I felt like I was doing all the right things. I was achieving. But most days, I felt uninspired and unmotivated to start my day. Why did it fall so flat?

I recently had a moment of clarity during a coaching session while trying to uncover why I’ve felt misaligned from much of my past work. I realized how saturated my perspective had become by other people’s ideas of what achievement is supposed to look like on the outside. I’d unknowingly adopted their standards as my own. From a career perspective, this manifested as allowing myself to explore a very narrow range of educational pursuits, job functions, and companies to fit into the perfect box I’d built in my head.

I associated achievement with striving towards things that are fundamentally misaligned to my core values: a certain number on my W2, a top-tier grad program, an “impressive” job title, and work in a sector that was making a splashy impact in the world. This is why I felt so upset when I read achievement as my top theme according to CliftonStrengths. I am not a sports person (so I might botch this analogy 😂), but I felt like a winning quarterback who keeps scoring only to realize that I’ve been playing the wrong sport for my entire career. 

With time, reflection, and many swings and misses, I’ve gotten much clearer on what actually matters to me. I’m learning how to shut out the noise from everyone else. It’s still hard. Every time I play the comparison game or feel like I’m not doing enough, I try to redirect. What do I actually want to achieve in my time here? Today, I’m working towards creating meaning in my professional life, allowing myself to try new things sans self-judgment, nourishing important relationships, deepening my community, learning more about myself and the world, and building a life that brings me joy. This until further notice. 

If you made it this far, I ❤️️ you! My hope is that sharing my experience and reflections can inspire you to take a quick moment to think about your relationship with achievement. What are you striving towards? Do these goals originate from your dreams for yourself and your values? I’m no expert on this type of work, but I wholeheartedly believe in cultivating curiosity about our inner lives, sharing our learnings, and how the power of living authentically inspires others to do the same.✨ We all want to lead meaningful, joyful lives and self-reflection is an integral part of the journey. Speaking of joy…

Things sparking joy this week

This week's happiness

🎨Painting - Last year I started painting again for the first time in 14 years. I married that with my card obsession and the rest is history. I’ve been experimenting with some new designs and it’s one of my favorite things ever!

🎷Seeing live music - I saw three amazing concerts this month and an incredible live jazz show at a brownstone in Brooklyn. Music was a big part of my upbringing and seeing a live show fills my cup in a way nothing else can.

👖Finding the perfect pair of vintage jeans - I’ve been on the hunt for a pair of 505s for a year and I finally found a perfect pair last weekend at my favorite vintage store in the Hudson Valley. Jeans are hard - and vintage jeans even harder?? - I think I’ve tried on 100+ pairs along my journey. Yay!

🌸Blooming Trees - DUH! This is Spring Cleaning, after all.

Spring on the East Coast hits different

What I’m loving, reading, and listening to

🎵I’m on a music kick. Joni Mitchell is back on Spotify (!!!) and I’ve been listening to Blue on repeat. Still listening to Deeper Well obsessively. Also listening to Dylan Gossett’s Songs in the Gravel EP. She’s a country gal now! 🤠

📚Very late to the game on this but I’m listening to Untamed on Audible and I love it. It’s inspiring me to write a book somday! Also reading book #4 in the Throne of Glass series. It keeps getting better, and I’m fully immersed in this new magical world. Losing myself in a fantastic book has always been one of my favorite things to do. 

📺I started Quiet on Set this week on (HBO) Max. I’m hesitant to say it’s a good watch - it’s very disturbing - but especially as a 90s kid, I’m enjoying it.

I think that’s it for this week. I’ve been watching and listening less than my usual. It’s hard for me to get quiet with myself, so I’ve been trying to turn inward more often instead of popping on a podcast or reading an article, which has been my default for years. Maybe this will change next week. 

If you enjoyed reading Spring Cleaning this week, here are a few ways you can support me and my work: 

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Thank you so much for reading!! Spring is here 🌸 x

1. Of course, this was just my personal experience! 

2. Absolutely no shade to those who did choose those paths (some of my closest friends went the route of finance/consulting and it worked well for them). I just always knew that it wasn’t for me.

3. I know, I know… the concept of a “good” job is BS and completely subjective. Good = what is good for you! Louder for the people in the back, lol.